An Evening with Alfie

“In short, with each of the thousand-and-one problems that present themselves in family life, our choice is between controlling and teaching, between creating an atmosphere of distrust and one of trust, between setting an example of power and helping children to learn responsibility, between quick-fix parenting and the kind that’s focused on long-term goals.”

—-Alfie Kohn, in Unconditional Parenting

I had the pleasure and the privilege to attend Alfie Kohn’s talk at San Jose State University last Wednesday, March 18th. Alfie Kohn is a disruptive, innovative thinker and speaker on parenting and education (his website is HERE). Co-sponsored by a consortium of local progressive schools, San Jose State’s Education Department and various other worthies (see the link to the program HERE — click on the “AlfieKohn 2009 Event” link on the left sidebar), the group was the biggest (around 4000) that Kohn had ever spoken to in the US. I have been a fan for years, and was very glad I took advantage of his being in Silicon Valley to hear him talk in person.

I came to the talk as a parent, an educator and a mental health professional who works with children and families. My head fairly exploded with the multiple levels of information and their different applications in these various realms. While many of his ideas were not entirely new to me, it was both sobering and helpful to be reminded of them. I have redacted here some of the most interesting and challenging points Kohn made the other night, which are taken from his 2005 book Unconditional Parenting. My summary does little justice to the talk or the book, so get the book and read it if you are intrigued (or outraged) and want more.

Kohn discussed the disconnect between the long-term goals that most parents and teachers have for the children in their lives, and the short-sighted efforts we often make to control their behavior today. It reminded me of Stephen Covey and other productivity gurus who talk about “begin with the end in mind”. I sometimes think of it as “parenting for 18″ — making decisions today, when my child is 2, or 7, or 12, that will move me to my goal of first, actually having a relationship with my son when he’s 18, and second, supporting him to develop into the curious, creative, responsible, compassionate, happy person I would like him to become.

With that as a basis for examining our behavior towards children, Kohn laid out several ideas about how to shift our focus. He offered the dichotomy of “doing to” children versus “working with” them. When a child does something wrong, it can be seen either as an infraction to be punished (doing to), or as a problem to be solved together (working with). Much of the talk centered on why a “behavior management” approach is harmful to children at home and at school (the “what not to do” piece), but he spent a sizeable amount of time offering alternatives. He gave a 10-point list (condensed from the 13-point list in his book), which included:

1. Reconsider your requests.

2. Put the relationship first.

3. Understand the child’s perspective.

4. Be authentic.

5. Talk less, ask more.

6. Attribute to children the best possible motives consistent with the facts. (a quote from Nel Noddin)

7. Try to say “yes” when you can.

8. Don’t be rigid.

9. Give kids more say about the stuff that matters (and even the stuff that doesn’t).

10. Love them unconditionally.

This last is, for me, the most challenging. I realized that while I of course love my son unconditionally, it may not always come out looking that way to him. Kohn’s definition of “conditional love” covers a wide gamut of subtle and not-so-subtle messages to the child about what behavior on their part is necessary for acceptance from the adults in their lives. Both directly and indirectly, with punishments, rewards and praise, we can set the stage for an underlying belief in our children that we love them only when they are behaving as we desire. While it is hard to accept that I don’t always measure up to my best hopes in this area, it is also very useful, as a parent and as a helping professional, to have another window onto some possible reasons for low self-esteem in cherished and nurtured children.

Ethically and morally, I think Kohn’s perspective is spot-on. His observations and suggestions allow parents and educators to evaluate their own behavior and work to bring it into alignment with the values that they hold for the children they care for. What I struggle with is the practical aspects of meeting this standard with gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) children. They are simultaneously requiring a tremendous amount of the adults in their lives, and at high risk of damage when the adults fail to live up to the standard. This wears down the adults greatly - through sheer exhaustion, or worry, or both. Many of my clients come to me with this very question - how do I balance my desire to model generosity and respect for my child with a genuine competing need for self-care?

I, like Kohn, can’t give blanket statements and recommendations. Having an ideal towards which to strive helps, as well as an understanding that the solutions which will work are highly individual to each child, family and educational setting. I do think that we can buoy ourselves up with number four, “Be Authentic”. This is a reminder that we don’t have to get it perfect, that we can make mistakes, we can not be lock-step in synch with our co-parent and we can have big feelings about the whole experience. It’s ok, it’s part of the modeling process that allows children to see that they are not expected to become super-men and wonder-women.

It was great to be able to hear Kohn speak so passionately about his own ideas, and encouraging to be with so many progressive educators and parents. I highly recommend any of his books, and invite you to join me in being challenged by them.

Hello world!

Nothing here yet but a theme and a title — but I promise more soon!